Update- Big Highs and Big Lows

I don't know where to start. I've been busy the past couple of days. It's been really tough for me but generally very positive.

 I've made some big achievements towards managing my mental health problems.

Tuesday I managed to walk into town for a face to face tutorial. I was a shaking paranoid wreck and embarassed myself a bit, but I did it.

On Wednesday we had a flat inspection. This is fine- we look after the flat well, but I have this big fear of people coming in the house, (even for such a quick routine thing where no real conversation takes place).

So I agreed with my boyfriend that I'd post a couple of letters and get some exercise while he dealt with the inspection and made sure a couple of things fixed (I'm not assertive, confident or even capable of sentences in these situations!).

So I went out for over an hour on my own. The anxiety was bad but I didn't quite go over the edge. I had quite a lot of intrusive thoughts, including the crazy running into the road fear but I was ok.

I guess you could say leaving the flat when the inspection happened was avoidance, but sometimes when your dealing with these conditions on this level you need to give yourself some leeway.

Your body and mind become extremely sensitive and it's really hard to deal with stimulation or any tiny level of stress.

I was so scared about how I'd come across and had this fear I'd be judged for not being in work still, and of course, not really being able to explain why and then getting very depressed about it. Also, I was obviously still pushing myself a lot by leaving the house.

 I got back and then had a couple of hours to work on my textile assessment before I had to walk into town to have my second hypnotherapy session.

This was really scaring me.  I just about managed the first session, but my Dad had kindly taken me to it, it was in the hypnotherapist's home office which now I was basically familiar with and it was ten minutes from my home (safe place).

This time it was in a medical centre that I had to walk into the town centre to get to. I'd have to speak to reception and sit in an unfamiliar waiting room. Deep down I knew this was going to go really badly but I had to go and I reminded myself that this was for my own good.

Of course I know for anyone without agoraphobia, panic attacks and social phobia, getting in a state over this probably seems pathetic, but of course I do have them.

I was struck by a million possibilites of humiliation and failure, and of course the worst fear which is a panic attack and then I didn't know what would happen. Even though I know I wouldn't actually die I'd feel like it, plus my awareness would go down a lot and I could easily get run over.

Anyway,  I went. I got about 3 quarters of way, and I then had a panic attack.

I wanted nothing more but to curl up into a ball. I felt like I was going crazy, thoughts at a hundred miles per hour, the intrusive thought of running into the road, legs numb, electrical tingles in my brain, tunnel vision, the busyness of town was really overwhelming me.

I actually held onto a railing to stop myself from even having a chance of having a situation where I could run into the road. I couldn't take ANY chances, despite how crazy I knew the thought was.

Even that didn't feel like enough and I desperately needed to get away. I couldn't comprehend how my body and mind would feel if I didn't. Somehow I walked to the very quiet information centre in the park (one safe place for me in the town) and went into the loos, shut myself in a cubicle.

When I knew I was safe the feelings fully exploded and I was hyperventiling and crying, letting out all this insane pent up stuff. All sort of thoughts were still popping into my head, what if I'm too scared to leave this cubicle, what if I pass out and an employee at the centre ends up finding me. Then into more 'real' and rational worries- 'I've missed my appointment time', 'what if my therapist won't believe why I didn't turn up?'

I would now of course lose my deposit because of the 'no show'. £20 for a panic attack. What a deal. I couldn't afford to waste money like that.
I felt so ill and had to walk back home. Someone saw me in distress (I guess), 'cause they pulled a face and said "weird." (No, you're the weird one who pulls faces and insults strangers who are doing fuck all to you.)

I finally got back home and collapsed in relief.

I contacted the hypnotherapist apologetically and explained. (I think we're going to organise a home visit instead.)

But I then had to quickly go back out to 'babysit' my brother for the afternoon/evening. I had to sleep around to. So I walked there. It was all ok and it was good to see my brother but I felt really low.


When I went to bed I was struck with intrusive thoughts again. I was in the dark and had this sudden feeling that the dark was going to smother me. The air was warm and stuffy and I felt I couldn't breathe.  I would get lost or die in the dark. It was TERRIFYING. I nearly cried out, and repeated silently to myself  "this is anxiety, nothing is going to happen to me". Eventually I calmed down and even fell asleep but quickly woke up with a start again scared and out of breath.

I am an adult that has never had a fear of the dark, even as a child. Why does this stuff never leave me alone?!?

I really struggle to understand how intrusive thoughts work. They seem to have so much power and don't feel like a part of me. I didn't think them, they were put there.

I've read explanations that go along the lines of: "Everyone gets strange, disturbing thoughts from time to time (that they might do something to sabotage their future, hurt themselves or others- thoughts that don't reflect their personaility and that they don't really understand the origin of.

But people who go on to develop "intrusive thoughts", take these disturbing thoughts to be real, and believe that because they have thought them that they are capable of stupid or terrible things, that these thoughts are part of their character and that they will take the corresponding actions. As the person takes these thoughts to be true they become obsessions and have a great hold over a person."

I can see the reasoning and maybe it's true. But I don't feel as if I've had much say in it all, or like I debilerately believed these crazy thoughts, they just upset me. I know deep down the fear can't actually happen but something else huge, beyond my comprehension is driving me to it.

(I've had the odd thought like this since I was about ten. It used to be fear of saying something really evil to someone that I didn't really feel at all, or squeezing my eye so it pops out (this thought started when I was about 12 after an eccentric English teacher told us a story about when he had told an old class of ex pupils that you could make your eye pop out by squeezing either side of it. He said minutes after he told them this, a boy in that same class had squeezed his eye out of its socket and had to go to hospital.

It really freaked me out at the time, I was wondering 'What made him do it?!' "What if I ended up doing something nasty to myself?"  It did become an obsession, to be honest. I was convinced I was squeeze my eye out, sometimes I wouldn't sleep at night because I'd be terrified that I'd do it in my sleep. I even got to the point of putting my fingers either side of my eye because I was so confused.

So yeah I've always been susceptible to this...thing.

Well I've gone on a tangent and haven't explained everything I've acheived. I went on a TRAIN today. Yes I had intrusive thoughts of running onto the tracks but I'm still here aren't I? I was out in a different town all day with my boyfriend, and managed to go into shops and even a cafe. I'm going to stop now and post the rest tomorrow because this post has been so long.