Too much

I'm struggling to deal with the inner turmoil and constant distress these conditions leave me in.


How much longer can I deal with invisible forces controlling my thoughts, sensations, reactions... driving/stifling my behaviour?

 How can I be stuck in this hell for so many years while other people look on, bewildered at even the possiblity that I could be prevented from having a life because of anxiety?

How can the convenient notion that my conditions are largely driven by negative thinking even begin to make sense of it?

I have no idea how even theoretically to behave. It's incredibly tiring and oppressive, and I'm too paralysed in social situations to even smile or choke out a few words. In the rare occasions where someone actually approachs me it's seconds before I trip up in some immeasurable way, their face clouds over and they move on.

"If you're nervous, smile."

So what do you do in social situations when your facial muscles are constantly frozen and trying to move them makes you feel physically sick and like you're going to go crazy or die?

Even the few times when I can just about physically manage a smile it looks so obviously fake and stupid it's not going to help the situation.

 How can I communicate with people and gain a relatively normal, self sufficient, meaningful existence when my whole life I've just shut down?

It doesn't matter what I tell myself beforehand, how I calm my nerves- the reality of someone approaching me and having to speak to them is agonizing.

The amount of safety behaviours that I just can't break away from is insane.

How many times am I going to cross the same road to avoid people? How many times am I going to pretend I don't want to cross the road so I don't have to catch the eye of drivers, walking a little way further up before crossing until the cars have gone, and then cross when I can't even see the turnings properly? Have to find somewhere to sit down before I even go into a shop, one that's specifically selected for layout and minimal interaction? Take a route that's 20 minutes longer than necessary because I just don't feel comfortable going the other way? Avoid an aisle in the supermarket because I'm terrified I'll have an awkward collision with/or act weirdly around a stranger? Hide my basket on the side of an aisle and walk out without food? Carefully pick out the few words I'm going to have to use to post a parcel, and then worry about the way I acted for half an hour afterwards?

How can I be driven to almost childlike behaviour by relentless unstoppable forces? So often it's not just that I'm terrified, it's that I'm debilitated.

How much longer am I just going to forfeit my life because of constant anxiety? And how do I stop myself from losing my sanity?

Very occasionally, I'll "glimpse" for an hour or two- suddenly everything clears and I think... how could everything have seemed so complicated?

Just as quickly, my newfound clarity gets snatched away from me and I'm groping in the dark again...


On a better note, I did manage to visit the park for a bit today.
Sitting under an oak tree, glancing up to watch insects dart in and out of the swaying foilage... and then looking down to read about one of Burrough's dreams where he shoots a Chinese cat with a .38 snub nosed revolver and everyone in the street cheers. I  know how to relax. ;)