This week I've been getting outside quite a bit- I've been to tutorials, meeting my occupational therapist in a public place, going to grocery shops, post office etc. I don't know what's changed but it's been ok.
I really haven't been able to get groceries on my own for at least 3 years, and I've managed on my own 3 times for a few bits and pieces this week.
I'm really commiting myself- this has to be my biggest shot yet, because if I'm like this any longer there's not much point in me living.
I went to see my therapist yesterday afternoon to walk round another public place. I showed her my list of graduated SMART goals for agoraphobia- she seemed to approve. I have to go round a gallery alone next week and then meet her inside a coffee shop and order with her.
After my therapy session I was feeling ok. I then found that my boyfriend was having someone around, who'd be there when I got back. Just 'cause of how uncomfortable I am around people I freaked and felt unable to go back. I decided it would actually be easier for me to stay out a bit longer, so I sat in a park for a while. I needed a drink and manged to get past the anxiety to go into a shop to get one.
I realised then that his friend would be there a while, so walked onto another park.
I had wanted to get back after therapy and not have to deal with another social situation so I stayed in this other park for about another 40 minutes! I gradually felt panic building when I realised I'd have to get back eventually. I walked back towards my home but was just unable to go back so I went past our road and kept walking. This avoidance stuff is crazy- I know how important it is not to let it get the better of you, but I'd already been out with agoraphobia and being around someone I don't really know in our tiny flat was just out of the question at that point.
I then turned back and went to a THIRD park (lol) and by then I felt I was going crazy. I often get this weird delusion when I have a panic attack (I guess to do with the fear of losing control) that I'm somehow unable to stop myself doing something dangerous. The main one is where I'm waiting to cross the road or even walking along the path- I can almost feel my body falling into the road, into the dangerous situation.
This makes no sense even to me- but I guess because during panic attacks people have this paranoia, increased sensitivity, and dread/terror of losing control, my fear ties into this.
The thing is it becomes much more than a fear- I suddenly become so aware of standing on the pavement a foot or two away from lorries speeding past and I suddenly get this horrible feeling of vulnerability hit me. I get these really bad physical sensations.
The knowledge that if I was standing a tiny bit further forward I would get hit, suddenly becomes horrifying to me and I don't trust my body anymore. I'm more aware of space and the meaning of that space and I'm sort of detached from everything but at the same time hyper aware. Yeah it's really hard to explain. Open spaces can be very hard for me, the way I perceive it shifts and I feel kind of suspended in it, suffocated by it.
Sometimes it gets so bad that I want to scream out and hold onto a railing- something to give me a physical and emotional anchor amongst nothingness. During panic I just feel a huge loss of control over my body and mind... like I've become a subject.
So I was getting a bad case of this weird fear and I felt like i was going to throw up, I was also trying to not cry and knew my miserable face was probably drawing attention which was just sending me over the edge!
I managed to get to the park despite being convinced I was going to go crazy or get run over, but the panic didn't go away and as usual, I really believed I was dying. I got a text saying they'd gone out now so I managed to get back home and be alone.
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