Ah, it's June. The months fly by whilst my situation stays basically the same.

There's only so much longer I can live like this. I've been saying it for years but it's getting to a make or break point. I'm 24, I have nothing prepared for my future- I still have no life. I'm engaging the best I possibly can with help on offer. I get the sense my occupational therapist doesn't understand severe social anxiety problems, I know I'm really over sensitive and jump to mind-reading, but there's a lot left unsaid in what she does say, and in the simplicity of the model that she believes is going to help me recover.

I know she judges me for not working, yet she doesn't seem to realise how unable I am to function in the world. I want to work, I want to have a life... what's the point in empty judgement without solutions??

In public I'm this empty shell of a person, hiding from life and any stimulation like it's going to kill me. Aside from my boyfriend I can't think of a time where I've actually had a decent conversation with someone.

Everyone always thinks I'm someone I'm not, or can never find out who I am- I'm too hurt to put anything forward and most people get a totally wrong idea from my appearance so it's pointless. The think is HOWEVER MUCH I want to be myself or relax I am UNABLE. I can't think straight and I totally forget who I am. The physical anxiety causes me agony. And I have no new life experiences so I am a stale person. I'm angry, scared, bitter and touchy.

I have been housebound for 5 years.. and I STILL feel like no one takes my illness seriously. I can't even begin to explain how much I've suffered. What it's like to feel totally helpless and out of control for such a continuous stretch of time. 

I've been fighting really hard to get out more and do more, it's far from a straight line to being better. I'm using the phone more but I still have days where I'm so full of fear that I know I'm going to make a scene and feel terrible anxiety that'll probably go over into a panic attack.

I've tried to be around people- it doesn't get easier. I tried for years and was still the awkward nervy mute that couldn't function properly at all. I never broke past that barrier. I can't understand what people are saying to me or follow simple instructions... I forget how to do the simplest task when i'm around others.

I'm an intelligent, nice, person but no one can know. I don't know what to do to make them know. It never comes through.

I'm always regurgitating these same thoughts but I can never seem to overcome this. The sheer physciality of anxiety is paralysing- people don't seem to understand that. The amount of times I've had people thinking I'm rude or stupid when I physically can't turn to speak or look at someone. The unbelievable terror I get just passing someone on the street. How I feel completely frozen and dissociated when someone actually speaks to me.  How I feel like my heart is going explode and that I'm going to throw up and collape most of the day because how stressed this stuff makes me. It literally destroys me.

Imagine feeling the most terrified you've ever felt, and then feeling that everyday- about everything. Forget about whether it makes sense to you, just imagine feeling it. That's what it's like.

I've thought about suicide for so long, as anyone tends to do with these illnesses- but I know really I would/could never do it.

I know how much other people suffer in different ways, but this is such a horrible invisible illness that ruins your prospects, cuts you off from everyone and makes you seem empty, personality-less, lazy and stupid. I have no friends and would probably die of starvation if I didn't have help to get groceries. I'm getting a bit better at going, but most of the time it's still out of the question.

For nearly a couple of years I've had a problem on and off that seems similar to sleep apnea. It first started when I went on a particular medication. I feel really jittery and paranoid when I go to sleep, all floaty and strange a bit like vertigo, and the second I drop off, my body jolts awake and I'm gasping for breath. This can happen for hours before I get a half decent bit of sleep. This is making my anxiety and depression even worse in the day. Grumble grumble. I'd like to make some more imformative and recovery based posts soon as there have been positives but often it just gets on top of me.