It's been yet another lonely, completely eventless week. If I'm honest, it's been 6 days since I last left the house. My mind always feels so slow, like it's barely functioning.

The longer I'm trapped and alone the more depression inevitably hits me. But of course going out just for a few minutes can be much, much, much worse mentally for me than hiding.

Every day I plan to build up mentally to leaving, but as it draws closer I delay further and further and then realise I can't go out without a really distressing, humilating experience, that I'm bound to mess up in some way and get those terrible mental experiences and bodily sensations.

As I've mentioned before, the fact that my nervousness is so obvious to people makes it so much harder to cope. The nature of these conditions is that you're always afraid about appearing nervous. Some people would say that it's going to create a vicious cycle, and I guess that is one truth but obviously there are much deeper, engrained issues and beliefs that drive it.

The fact that nervousness is viewed as such a negative trait, that outwards 'confidence' is valued above so much else, means I feel pushed into having to maintain this pristine outer shell even when I do feel terrible. It's a falseness that will make people miserable and unable to focus on anything else. Why do we have to hide our wide range of experiences as humans?

Would I even have an anxiety disorder if people didn't jump to view shyness and nervousness as signs of a weak character, stupidity or untrustworthyness and then go on to treat them badly, underestimate or ignore them?

This is the real 'vicious cycle' of anxiety disorders... and there is so, so much more happening to maintain the illness outside the hands of the individual.

I feel such a disconnection between my outward appearance and mannerisms, and my inner self. A lot of people of course try to use these elements to understand you, or to categorise you as a person. As a lot of this is really out of my control, and people are so often incorrect, I feel displaced and dispossessed. But then I'm so scared and trapped under layers of insecurity to challenge that in any way. I freeze in a public setting and don't even feel in control of my body language. Often I feel outside of my body and geniunely become too frightened to move. In that moment (basically a panic attack) I can't even comprehend how it would feel to move a certain muscle, to smile etc.
 
I've always struggled with an obsession about the separation between these two, I guess... 'aspects' of myself. The fact that a person may be giving off signals of whatever nature to other people without realising or meaning to terrifies me. I hate the fact that I can have an intention that will be completely distorted by the time that I have acted. I hate the fact that someone's voice (as one very simple example) can drastically alter the way people see your personality...just all these little cultural things that take away your power. I know you could then say "well is it that easy to make the separation between personality and other aspects of a person?" and I guess the answer is no, because they feed off each other. But I get so distressed by it...

I know this is very common, but I can see myself on camera and think "Oh god, is that how I come across?!" and then feel terrified that I'll make another movement or facial expression like the one I hated. All that "self improvement" advice in relation to appearance and body language just seems to catapult a person into a minefield of unattainable rigid rules... I don't know how anyone can read that stuff without feeling totally overwhelmed and compromised as a person. 

Like I mentioned in the last post, confidence is something created by good experiences... I'm sick to death of hearing "be confident" everywhere, it's entirely empty. I can't even "fake it till you make it" (as you hear all the time), I'm not an actor and I'd only embarrass myself more trying to act a certain way. And how can I even do that, when I'm too nervous to speak or smile or even really move?

I don't feel like I'm expressing myself that well but I'm trying. Tomorrow (today strictly!) is Sunday and I need to get groceries. I've been putting it off for 2 days but I have to manage it somehow. I just wish I could do it without coming back distraught and in tears.