My thoughts before and after the session are mixed. As I mentioned in a previous post, I'd been researching into hypnotism basically to ascertain if it differs from methods of relaxation.
The definition is still unclear to me, and apparently to everyone. The pervasive belief is that it's a form of unconsciousness resembling sleep but modern research suggest that patients are fully awake and simply focusing attention.
The last possibility makes more sense to me, or at least to my treatment and experience.
The session consisted of:
- Asking me what I believed hypnosis to be, and if I had any questions. I asked how it differed to relaxation and got an answer that didn't really convince me it was different.
My hypnotherapist basically described it as a meditative type focus. She mentioned a few other things that I struggled to take in (this was v. nerve wracking for me) so I probably missed something.
The general idea that hypnosis makes someone more open to suggestion, is the main concept that makes me feel it may geniunely induce a state that could open someone up to real therapeutic help.
-She then asked several questions- about my mental health, any medications I was taking, general questions about my situation, etc.
I found this really uncomfortable because I was still unsure about the validity of the whole thing.
She was very nice and put me at ease, but this is someone who makes £65 for an hour long session for an alternative therapy with no real proven benefits.
My situation is something I can't help feeling vary about disclosing to other people- I know why I've been unemployed and trapped at home for so long but a lot of people won't understand and will just look down on you without being able to offer any help or suggestions. So, I felt really vulnerable after that.
Anyway, some of these questions helped her structure the guided visualisation that she then took me through. First I had to imagine one random bad past scenario.
There was no one hugely traumatic event that I went through, just long long periods of feeling alone, trapped and confused by my own shyness and anxiety, being excluded by most people around me as a child- ignored, pushed into a box and badly bullied so that I never really got to feel comfortable with myself or anything. I am just one of those people who can't fit in to the world I guess.
So I felt stupid having to pick one bad situation that happened to me whilst being put on the spot, it made it sound like my problems were pathetic because I had to pick one event that (in this visualisation) was given huge importance is if it was the singular code to my suffering. I was also very conscious of what I picked so didn't really feel I was being true.
I also think a lot of my severe anxiety is genetic, so I felt like a fool. I had to imagine this situation and the feelings attached to it, give it a colour and imagine getting rid of it in whatever way I wanted. I still felt awkward and stupid doing this (as much as I was putting myself into it- obviously this was expensive and I was trying).
She put some new age instrumental music on and told me to shut my eyes, focus on my breathing and then imagine our agreed place that I felt relaxed and comfortable in. I had to board a magical mode of transport (yes, really), travelling through the sky until I reached a gate. I had to land, go through the gate and go into a very crassly symbolic and silly scenario where I was in part, helping a child paint a hot air balloon a colour that I associated with happiness etc, then sawing away the ropes until the hot air balloon floated away...
I couldn't help feeling a bit cheated and insulted after this session- I've had so many years of being debilitated by anxiety, being unable to build a life for myself and only having a connection with one person. I was aware of what was going on the whole time and the guided visualisation felt like something I could access on Youtube (and wouldn't bother to).
I just feel confused now. My parents are happy to pay for two more sessions, but I can't help feeling private talking therapy would be much better? Although I'd have to have lots of sessions for it to be helpful and it would cost a lot more. I feel really grateful but still feel like we're being cheated a bit and so I feel guilty.
I saw some Joy Divison oven gloves online a few months ago haha...
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