It's been yet another lonely, completely eventless week. If I'm honest, it's been 6 days since I last left the house. My mind always feels so slow, like it's barely functioning.

The longer I'm trapped and alone the more depression inevitably hits me. But of course going out just for a few minutes can be much, much, much worse mentally for me than hiding.

Every day I plan to build up mentally to leaving, but as it draws closer I delay further and further and then realise I can't go out without a really distressing, humilating experience, that I'm bound to mess up in some way and get those terrible mental experiences and bodily sensations.

As I've mentioned before, the fact that my nervousness is so obvious to people makes it so much harder to cope. The nature of these conditions is that you're always afraid about appearing nervous. Some people would say that it's going to create a vicious cycle, and I guess that is one truth but obviously there are much deeper, engrained issues and beliefs that drive it.

The fact that nervousness is viewed as such a negative trait, that outwards 'confidence' is valued above so much else, means I feel pushed into having to maintain this pristine outer shell even when I do feel terrible. It's a falseness that will make people miserable and unable to focus on anything else. Why do we have to hide our wide range of experiences as humans?

Would I even have an anxiety disorder if people didn't jump to view shyness and nervousness as signs of a weak character, stupidity or untrustworthyness and then go on to treat them badly, underestimate or ignore them?

This is the real 'vicious cycle' of anxiety disorders... and there is so, so much more happening to maintain the illness outside the hands of the individual.

I feel such a disconnection between my outward appearance and mannerisms, and my inner self. A lot of people of course try to use these elements to understand you, or to categorise you as a person. As a lot of this is really out of my control, and people are so often incorrect, I feel displaced and dispossessed. But then I'm so scared and trapped under layers of insecurity to challenge that in any way. I freeze in a public setting and don't even feel in control of my body language. Often I feel outside of my body and geniunely become too frightened to move. In that moment (basically a panic attack) I can't even comprehend how it would feel to move a certain muscle, to smile etc.
 
I've always struggled with an obsession about the separation between these two, I guess... 'aspects' of myself. The fact that a person may be giving off signals of whatever nature to other people without realising or meaning to terrifies me. I hate the fact that I can have an intention that will be completely distorted by the time that I have acted. I hate the fact that someone's voice (as one very simple example) can drastically alter the way people see your personality...just all these little cultural things that take away your power. I know you could then say "well is it that easy to make the separation between personality and other aspects of a person?" and I guess the answer is no, because they feed off each other. But I get so distressed by it...

I know this is very common, but I can see myself on camera and think "Oh god, is that how I come across?!" and then feel terrified that I'll make another movement or facial expression like the one I hated. All that "self improvement" advice in relation to appearance and body language just seems to catapult a person into a minefield of unattainable rigid rules... I don't know how anyone can read that stuff without feeling totally overwhelmed and compromised as a person. 

Like I mentioned in the last post, confidence is something created by good experiences... I'm sick to death of hearing "be confident" everywhere, it's entirely empty. I can't even "fake it till you make it" (as you hear all the time), I'm not an actor and I'd only embarrass myself more trying to act a certain way. And how can I even do that, when I'm too nervous to speak or smile or even really move?

I don't feel like I'm expressing myself that well but I'm trying. Tomorrow (today strictly!) is Sunday and I need to get groceries. I've been putting it off for 2 days but I have to manage it somehow. I just wish I could do it without coming back distraught and in tears.

 It's so lonely, empty and hard with this condition.

You'd think someone with agoraphobia for five years might get a response other than disbelief, confusion or disgust but people still don't understand it.

But my whole life so far has been shaped -continuously narrowed- by anxiety.

How can my personal life experience of engrained terror and resulting complete inability to be able to talk to other people be met by confusion and disbelief?

How do you cope with effectively most of the world dismissing what's been controlling, torturing and ruining you (in only slightly different forms) for as long as you can remember?

When your occupational therapist, who feels like your last possible hope, someone who might actually have an understanding of anxiety disorders... says "well we all get anxious, I get nervous about getting lost?"

Obviously I understand that everyone has their own anxities and insecurities and that they're not easy to deal with, but to compare this with a very physically affecting social phobia, that's resulted in severe depression and all sorts that has destroyed my life and left me unable to contribute in any way... is not only massively offensive and upsetting, it's dangerous and harmful.

How can you not become completely misanthropic when you realise you are truly on your own with a fucking monster of an illness?

If I didn't have a severe social phobia I would have friendships.

I would have finished school after A levels, I would have hopefully gone on to university.

I would have never been kept in an inpatient unit, which felt like imprisonment for a year in the middle of my adolescence.

With a degree I would have had more of a chance of finding work.

Without these problems I could be in public without feeling completely frozen, dissociated and petrified that someone may acknowledge me in some way. I might be seen as someone other than a child (I'm 24 now, for fucks sake) or (in the eyes of others) a stupid nervous freak. I could say another word to a person apart from my boyfriend (who I am endlessly appreciative for, please don't get me wrong). It's so tiring to live life being petrified and wary of everything.

I could be out in the world feeling like my personality hadn't been eaten away. I could start a conversation.

I wouldn't have to be constantly aware that (uncontrollably) my body language keeps everyone away, whatever I do.

I would be able to leave my house freely. I wouldn't feel an excruitating fear and discomfort anytime a person was even near me on the street, I could be outside without getting tunnel vision and having and stimulation make me jump out of my skin. People could get near me without me flinching. I could make eye contact with people.

I could enjoy things.

My family wouldn't see me as a lost cause and an embarassment.

Society doesn't seem to realise how destructive it's fixation on confidence is.

If you are lacking in it, people will sniff it out, avoid you, attack you, continously criticise, run you down more and more and more, categorise you, treat you like nothing and then when you are so broken from it you eventually shut yourself away from the world to protect yourself from going over the edge.

Then you might become agoraphobic and people will say "you just have to get out there."

When all you needed for years when you were "out there" was for someone to look past your discomfort and give you the time of day. The fucking backwardness of it.

NOTE- You can't materialise confidence out of nowhere. You need people to not treat you like shit then maybe we will be the people that we were or could be.

Ah, it's June. The months fly by whilst my situation stays basically the same.

There's only so much longer I can live like this. I've been saying it for years but it's getting to a make or break point. I'm 24, I have nothing prepared for my future- I still have no life. I'm engaging the best I possibly can with help on offer. I get the sense my occupational therapist doesn't understand severe social anxiety problems, I know I'm really over sensitive and jump to mind-reading, but there's a lot left unsaid in what she does say, and in the simplicity of the model that she believes is going to help me recover.

I know she judges me for not working, yet she doesn't seem to realise how unable I am to function in the world. I want to work, I want to have a life... what's the point in empty judgement without solutions??

In public I'm this empty shell of a person, hiding from life and any stimulation like it's going to kill me. Aside from my boyfriend I can't think of a time where I've actually had a decent conversation with someone.

Everyone always thinks I'm someone I'm not, or can never find out who I am- I'm too hurt to put anything forward and most people get a totally wrong idea from my appearance so it's pointless. The think is HOWEVER MUCH I want to be myself or relax I am UNABLE. I can't think straight and I totally forget who I am. The physical anxiety causes me agony. And I have no new life experiences so I am a stale person. I'm angry, scared, bitter and touchy.

I have been housebound for 5 years.. and I STILL feel like no one takes my illness seriously. I can't even begin to explain how much I've suffered. What it's like to feel totally helpless and out of control for such a continuous stretch of time. 

I've been fighting really hard to get out more and do more, it's far from a straight line to being better. I'm using the phone more but I still have days where I'm so full of fear that I know I'm going to make a scene and feel terrible anxiety that'll probably go over into a panic attack.

I've tried to be around people- it doesn't get easier. I tried for years and was still the awkward nervy mute that couldn't function properly at all. I never broke past that barrier. I can't understand what people are saying to me or follow simple instructions... I forget how to do the simplest task when i'm around others.

I'm an intelligent, nice, person but no one can know. I don't know what to do to make them know. It never comes through.

I'm always regurgitating these same thoughts but I can never seem to overcome this. The sheer physciality of anxiety is paralysing- people don't seem to understand that. The amount of times I've had people thinking I'm rude or stupid when I physically can't turn to speak or look at someone. The unbelievable terror I get just passing someone on the street. How I feel completely frozen and dissociated when someone actually speaks to me.  How I feel like my heart is going explode and that I'm going to throw up and collape most of the day because how stressed this stuff makes me. It literally destroys me.

Imagine feeling the most terrified you've ever felt, and then feeling that everyday- about everything. Forget about whether it makes sense to you, just imagine feeling it. That's what it's like.

I've thought about suicide for so long, as anyone tends to do with these illnesses- but I know really I would/could never do it.

I know how much other people suffer in different ways, but this is such a horrible invisible illness that ruins your prospects, cuts you off from everyone and makes you seem empty, personality-less, lazy and stupid. I have no friends and would probably die of starvation if I didn't have help to get groceries. I'm getting a bit better at going, but most of the time it's still out of the question.

For nearly a couple of years I've had a problem on and off that seems similar to sleep apnea. It first started when I went on a particular medication. I feel really jittery and paranoid when I go to sleep, all floaty and strange a bit like vertigo, and the second I drop off, my body jolts awake and I'm gasping for breath. This can happen for hours before I get a half decent bit of sleep. This is making my anxiety and depression even worse in the day. Grumble grumble. I'd like to make some more imformative and recovery based posts soon as there have been positives but often it just gets on top of me.

Update- Big Highs and Big Lows

I don't know where to start. I've been busy the past couple of days. It's been really tough for me but generally very positive.

 I've made some big achievements towards managing my mental health problems.

Tuesday I managed to walk into town for a face to face tutorial. I was a shaking paranoid wreck and embarassed myself a bit, but I did it.

On Wednesday we had a flat inspection. This is fine- we look after the flat well, but I have this big fear of people coming in the house, (even for such a quick routine thing where no real conversation takes place).

So I agreed with my boyfriend that I'd post a couple of letters and get some exercise while he dealt with the inspection and made sure a couple of things fixed (I'm not assertive, confident or even capable of sentences in these situations!).

So I went out for over an hour on my own. The anxiety was bad but I didn't quite go over the edge. I had quite a lot of intrusive thoughts, including the crazy running into the road fear but I was ok.

I guess you could say leaving the flat when the inspection happened was avoidance, but sometimes when your dealing with these conditions on this level you need to give yourself some leeway.

Your body and mind become extremely sensitive and it's really hard to deal with stimulation or any tiny level of stress.

I was so scared about how I'd come across and had this fear I'd be judged for not being in work still, and of course, not really being able to explain why and then getting very depressed about it. Also, I was obviously still pushing myself a lot by leaving the house.

 I got back and then had a couple of hours to work on my textile assessment before I had to walk into town to have my second hypnotherapy session.

This was really scaring me.  I just about managed the first session, but my Dad had kindly taken me to it, it was in the hypnotherapist's home office which now I was basically familiar with and it was ten minutes from my home (safe place).

This time it was in a medical centre that I had to walk into the town centre to get to. I'd have to speak to reception and sit in an unfamiliar waiting room. Deep down I knew this was going to go really badly but I had to go and I reminded myself that this was for my own good.

Of course I know for anyone without agoraphobia, panic attacks and social phobia, getting in a state over this probably seems pathetic, but of course I do have them.

I was struck by a million possibilites of humiliation and failure, and of course the worst fear which is a panic attack and then I didn't know what would happen. Even though I know I wouldn't actually die I'd feel like it, plus my awareness would go down a lot and I could easily get run over.

Anyway,  I went. I got about 3 quarters of way, and I then had a panic attack.

I wanted nothing more but to curl up into a ball. I felt like I was going crazy, thoughts at a hundred miles per hour, the intrusive thought of running into the road, legs numb, electrical tingles in my brain, tunnel vision, the busyness of town was really overwhelming me.

I actually held onto a railing to stop myself from even having a chance of having a situation where I could run into the road. I couldn't take ANY chances, despite how crazy I knew the thought was.

Even that didn't feel like enough and I desperately needed to get away. I couldn't comprehend how my body and mind would feel if I didn't. Somehow I walked to the very quiet information centre in the park (one safe place for me in the town) and went into the loos, shut myself in a cubicle.

When I knew I was safe the feelings fully exploded and I was hyperventiling and crying, letting out all this insane pent up stuff. All sort of thoughts were still popping into my head, what if I'm too scared to leave this cubicle, what if I pass out and an employee at the centre ends up finding me. Then into more 'real' and rational worries- 'I've missed my appointment time', 'what if my therapist won't believe why I didn't turn up?'

I would now of course lose my deposit because of the 'no show'. £20 for a panic attack. What a deal. I couldn't afford to waste money like that.
I felt so ill and had to walk back home. Someone saw me in distress (I guess), 'cause they pulled a face and said "weird." (No, you're the weird one who pulls faces and insults strangers who are doing fuck all to you.)

I finally got back home and collapsed in relief.

I contacted the hypnotherapist apologetically and explained. (I think we're going to organise a home visit instead.)

But I then had to quickly go back out to 'babysit' my brother for the afternoon/evening. I had to sleep around to. So I walked there. It was all ok and it was good to see my brother but I felt really low.


When I went to bed I was struck with intrusive thoughts again. I was in the dark and had this sudden feeling that the dark was going to smother me. The air was warm and stuffy and I felt I couldn't breathe.  I would get lost or die in the dark. It was TERRIFYING. I nearly cried out, and repeated silently to myself  "this is anxiety, nothing is going to happen to me". Eventually I calmed down and even fell asleep but quickly woke up with a start again scared and out of breath.

I am an adult that has never had a fear of the dark, even as a child. Why does this stuff never leave me alone?!?

I really struggle to understand how intrusive thoughts work. They seem to have so much power and don't feel like a part of me. I didn't think them, they were put there.

I've read explanations that go along the lines of: "Everyone gets strange, disturbing thoughts from time to time (that they might do something to sabotage their future, hurt themselves or others- thoughts that don't reflect their personaility and that they don't really understand the origin of.

But people who go on to develop "intrusive thoughts", take these disturbing thoughts to be real, and believe that because they have thought them that they are capable of stupid or terrible things, that these thoughts are part of their character and that they will take the corresponding actions. As the person takes these thoughts to be true they become obsessions and have a great hold over a person."

I can see the reasoning and maybe it's true. But I don't feel as if I've had much say in it all, or like I debilerately believed these crazy thoughts, they just upset me. I know deep down the fear can't actually happen but something else huge, beyond my comprehension is driving me to it.

(I've had the odd thought like this since I was about ten. It used to be fear of saying something really evil to someone that I didn't really feel at all, or squeezing my eye so it pops out (this thought started when I was about 12 after an eccentric English teacher told us a story about when he had told an old class of ex pupils that you could make your eye pop out by squeezing either side of it. He said minutes after he told them this, a boy in that same class had squeezed his eye out of its socket and had to go to hospital.

It really freaked me out at the time, I was wondering 'What made him do it?!' "What if I ended up doing something nasty to myself?"  It did become an obsession, to be honest. I was convinced I was squeeze my eye out, sometimes I wouldn't sleep at night because I'd be terrified that I'd do it in my sleep. I even got to the point of putting my fingers either side of my eye because I was so confused.

So yeah I've always been susceptible to this...thing.

Well I've gone on a tangent and haven't explained everything I've acheived. I went on a TRAIN today. Yes I had intrusive thoughts of running onto the tracks but I'm still here aren't I? I was out in a different town all day with my boyfriend, and managed to go into shops and even a cafe. I'm going to stop now and post the rest tomorrow because this post has been so long.























 

Update

Well I have no idea why I carry on with these things, but here's a little personal update (which rightly no one will care about) tossed to the huge swaths of the internet.

I've been suffering with migraines over the past few days, which (now I'm out of bed and in a bit less pain) I have to laugh about!

'Cause... it comically embodies my whole miserable, pathetic state of being; the beautiful sun comes out and my body goes "NO, WE DON'T LIKE THE SUN! THIS MEANS LIGHT, THE SYMBOL OF RENEWAL AND HOPE, PROVIDER OF VITAMIN D AND HAPPINESS ... GIVE HER PAIN!") Migraines also seems to chemically affect my state of mind with my general depression and anxiety getting even worse and I fall into a lot of suicidal thinking.

That said I am lucky that, although I understandably have had years of severe depression because of a intense dislike and detachment from myself and the world & my anxiety disorders stripping every ounce of my dignity and life, the worst bouts of depression I ever had were actually in my teenage years.

So I haven't been able to fight the agoraphobia over the weekend or try to enjoy the gorgeous weather.

I have hypnotherapy and OT appointments next week plus a Textiles tutorial. I've got 3 pebble quilt blocks made today for my final quilt.

Joking aside this is such an amazing hazy, rich sounding song...love it so much. I love the simple lyrics too, that almost summer induced lethargy of the perfect line "just bees and things and flowers"... brilliant.

Liz

Too much

I'm struggling to deal with the inner turmoil and constant distress these conditions leave me in.


How much longer can I deal with invisible forces controlling my thoughts, sensations, reactions... driving/stifling my behaviour?

 How can I be stuck in this hell for so many years while other people look on, bewildered at even the possiblity that I could be prevented from having a life because of anxiety?

How can the convenient notion that my conditions are largely driven by negative thinking even begin to make sense of it?

I have no idea how even theoretically to behave. It's incredibly tiring and oppressive, and I'm too paralysed in social situations to even smile or choke out a few words. In the rare occasions where someone actually approachs me it's seconds before I trip up in some immeasurable way, their face clouds over and they move on.

"If you're nervous, smile."

So what do you do in social situations when your facial muscles are constantly frozen and trying to move them makes you feel physically sick and like you're going to go crazy or die?

Even the few times when I can just about physically manage a smile it looks so obviously fake and stupid it's not going to help the situation.

 How can I communicate with people and gain a relatively normal, self sufficient, meaningful existence when my whole life I've just shut down?

It doesn't matter what I tell myself beforehand, how I calm my nerves- the reality of someone approaching me and having to speak to them is agonizing.

The amount of safety behaviours that I just can't break away from is insane.

How many times am I going to cross the same road to avoid people? How many times am I going to pretend I don't want to cross the road so I don't have to catch the eye of drivers, walking a little way further up before crossing until the cars have gone, and then cross when I can't even see the turnings properly? Have to find somewhere to sit down before I even go into a shop, one that's specifically selected for layout and minimal interaction? Take a route that's 20 minutes longer than necessary because I just don't feel comfortable going the other way? Avoid an aisle in the supermarket because I'm terrified I'll have an awkward collision with/or act weirdly around a stranger? Hide my basket on the side of an aisle and walk out without food? Carefully pick out the few words I'm going to have to use to post a parcel, and then worry about the way I acted for half an hour afterwards?

How can I be driven to almost childlike behaviour by relentless unstoppable forces? So often it's not just that I'm terrified, it's that I'm debilitated.

How much longer am I just going to forfeit my life because of constant anxiety? And how do I stop myself from losing my sanity?

Very occasionally, I'll "glimpse" for an hour or two- suddenly everything clears and I think... how could everything have seemed so complicated?

Just as quickly, my newfound clarity gets snatched away from me and I'm groping in the dark again...


On a better note, I did manage to visit the park for a bit today.
Sitting under an oak tree, glancing up to watch insects dart in and out of the swaying foilage... and then looking down to read about one of Burrough's dreams where he shoots a Chinese cat with a .38 snub nosed revolver and everyone in the street cheers. I  know how to relax. ;)

Getting outside- small progressions

This week I've been getting outside quite a bit- I've been to tutorials, meeting my occupational therapist in a public place, going to grocery shops, post office etc. I don't know what's changed but it's been ok.

I really haven't been able to get groceries on my own for at least 3 years, and I've managed on my own 3 times for a few bits and pieces this week.

I'm really commiting myself- this has to be my biggest shot yet, because if I'm like this any longer there's not much point in me living.

I went to see my therapist yesterday afternoon to walk round another public place. I showed her my list of graduated SMART goals for agoraphobia- she seemed to approve. I have to go round a gallery alone next week and then meet her inside a coffee shop and order with her.

After my therapy session I was feeling ok. I then found that my boyfriend was having someone around, who'd be there when I got back. Just 'cause of how uncomfortable I am around people I freaked and felt unable to go back. I decided it would actually be easier for me to stay out a bit longer, so I sat in a park for a while. I needed a drink and manged to get past the anxiety to go into a shop to get one.

I realised then that his friend would be there a while, so walked onto another park.

I had wanted to get back after therapy and not have to deal with another social situation so I stayed in this other park for about another 40 minutes! I gradually felt panic building when I realised I'd have to get back eventually. I walked back towards my home but was just unable to go back so I went past our road and kept walking. This avoidance stuff is crazy- I know how important it is not to let it get the better of you, but I'd already been out with agoraphobia and being around someone I don't really know in our tiny flat was just out of the question at that point.

I then turned back and went to a THIRD park (lol) and by then I felt I was going crazy. I often get this weird delusion when I have a panic attack (I guess to do with the fear of losing control) that I'm somehow unable to stop myself doing something dangerous. The main one is where I'm waiting to cross the road or even walking along the path- I can almost feel my body falling into the road, into the dangerous situation.

This makes no sense even to me- but I guess because during panic attacks people have this paranoia, increased sensitivity, and dread/terror of losing control, my fear ties into this.

The thing is it becomes much more than a fear- I suddenly become so aware of standing on the pavement a foot or two away from lorries speeding past and I suddenly get this horrible feeling of vulnerability hit me. I get these really bad physical sensations.

The knowledge that if I was standing a tiny bit further forward I would get hit, suddenly becomes horrifying to me and I don't trust my body anymore. I'm more aware of space and the meaning of that space and I'm sort of detached from everything but at the same time hyper aware. Yeah it's really hard to explain. Open spaces can be very hard for me, the way I perceive it shifts and I feel kind of suspended in it, suffocated by it.

Sometimes it gets so bad that I want to scream out and hold onto a railing- something to give me a physical and emotional anchor amongst nothingness. During panic I just feel a huge loss of control over my body and mind... like I've become a subject.

So I was getting a bad case of this weird fear and I felt like i was going to throw up, I was also trying to not cry and knew my miserable face was probably drawing attention which was just sending me over the edge!

I managed to get to the park despite being convinced I was going to go crazy or get run over, but the panic didn't go away and as usual, I really believed I was dying. I got a text saying they'd gone out now so I managed to get back home and be alone.